Kissing Sues
by Kelaiah
Summary: The most dangerous, most vile, most evil of all Sues: Kissing-Sues....
1. The KissingSue

It was yet another beautiful warm summer day at the abbey of Redwall.

And the author would yet again remind everyone that he does not own Redwall (which is property of Brian Jacques).

A cloaked figure was walking up the dirt path running past the abbey. The cloak, despite being completely ragged, faded and tattered, it somehow hid the wearer's species and gender so that nobeast would've known who or what it was. The figure stopped in front of the ancient Redwall, and looked up at it for a long time.

Then it held up a cloaked arm, and there was a _snap_ of claws.

At that very instant the red sandstones of Redwall Abbey became a bright sparkling pink, with flecks of gold and creamy ivory. The abbey became every Barbie's dream come true. But that wasn't all.

Almost all of the creatures inside the abbey disappeared. Now only four creatures remained, for they were the only ones the cloaked figure cared about.

* * *

Abbess Mhera, the only otter that the author of this fic knows that is not hated by Snuffsnuff, walked along Great Hall, taking in a satisfied sigh as she mentally reviewed all the things that were necessary for running Redwall. Such things were harvesting, keeping up the building, making certain that the walls weren't crumbling, that all the creatures within were living quiet, peaceful lives. Or so she thought. The abbess hadn't noticed the change in her abbey, for she had been so preoccupied with her thoughts.

The ottermaid paused in front of the tapestry of Martin the Warrior, and was about to say something to the warriormouse when all of a sudden-

_**BAM!**_

Mhera's head snapped towards the door, and was nearly blinded by the dazzling radiance that was swooping in from the threshold.

_"Dah!"_ said Mhera, flinging her arms in her face to ward off the light.

When the blasted light _finally_ faded away, the ottermaid lowered her arms to see another ottermaid.

This ottermaid, however, would be undoubtedly _hated_ by Snuffsnuff.

She was tall and slender and delicate and freakishly beautiful beyond all compare. Her chocolate brown fur had a glossy golden highlight to it, and it was so sleek and shiny that one could've ice skated on it. As for her eyes, they were huge and round and curved, framed in long dark curved lashes, aqua green as the sea and turquoise, sparkling with a thousand diamonds.

Mhera stared at the other otter, her eyes wide and her mouth a small thin line.

The ottermaiden, however, only smiled, showing off two rows of flawlessly white pearl-like teeth.

"Hello. My name is Mariella Songsweet Moonscent Butterfly Oceanbeauty Autumngold the Warriormaid, the Swordmaid, the Chosen of Destiny, the Harp of Love, the Melody of Music, the Avatar of Beauty, and the Sunset of Hope."

Mhera slowly blinked, still a little in shock over the whole situation, but she eventually regained her senses. She folded her arms into her sleeves and said, very calmly, "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to ask you to leave the abbey immediately."

She had expected the Sue to be surprised, but as it turned out, Mhera was the one who became surprised, for Mariella gave a sweet little laugh and said, "I _thought_ you'd say that!"

Mhera blinked again, rather taken aback. "Y-you did? Then why did you bother coming here at all?" Something was up, Mhera just knew it.

"Oh," said Mariella, smiling. "I took the necessary precautions before coming here."

The words barely left the Sue's lips before two large, steely paws grabbed Mhera's shoulders from behind and whirled her around to face another otter, only this one was a male, towering with huge muscles bulging from his kilt-clad frame, his eyes emerald with silver flecks, his face perfect and gorgeous and exceedingly handsome.

His entire appearance somehow took Mhera only an instance to take in before the otter-stu slammed his lips against hers' with bruising force.

Mhera's eyes widened and then rolled up into her head, and she lost all control of herself. . . .

* * *

Nimbalo was inside the gatehouse, busily reading a book of the history of Redwall, so engrossed that he too hadn't noticed the change in the abbey. However, he did notice the growling of his stomach; he hadn't eaten since breakfast, and he was steadily growing hungry.

The harvest-mouse set the book down and walked out the door with the intent on going to the kitchens--

-- only to come face-to-face with another mouse. A female mouse. An exceedingly beautiful mouse.

A mouse with beauty beyond anything Nimbalo had ever seen: fur as golden as a field of ripened grain with the summer sun shining down upon it, and eyes the color of a vivid blue-green, much like sapphires and emeralds sparkling with a thousand diamonds held up to a clear summer night. Her slender, delicate form was clad in a black-and-gold-trimmed tunic that matched her radiant eyes and complemented her brilliant fur.

Her entire appearance took Nimbalo only an instant to take in before she had her lips pressed against his as though they were magnetized together.

Like Mhera, Nimbalo only had time to widen his eyes before he lost every ounce of control of himself. . . .

* * *

Fwirl was the only one of the remaining four abbeybeasts that actually had noticed something different about the abbey.

She had been up in a tree picking apples when suddenly the fruit became ridiculously bright and sparkly, as did the trees and grass and even the sky. The squirrelmaid looked around wildly, not knowing what was going on, and called down to her husband Broggle, only to see that he wasn't anywhere in sight.

"Broggle?" she called, landing on the ground, her almond eyes darting this way and that. The abbeygrounds were deserted, something which terrified the young squirrel.

"Broggle!" she called again, but this time she was answered.

"He's gone," a voice answered.

"Gone?" Fwirl cried, looking around vainly to locate the speaker. "What do you mean gone?"

"He's gone so that you can finally have a worthy mate."

And with that, two strong, rough-worn paws grabbed Fwirl from behind and whirled her around to face another squirrel: male, tall, broad-shouldered, muscular and shockingly handsome, with bright vivid red-gold fur and smoking charcoal-black eyes. The male's perfectly sinewy frame was clad in a black kilt held up by an elaborate gold belt studded with rubies and emeralds.

It took Fwirl only an instant to take all this in before the male squirrel had his lips against hers with eager force, and the only thing Fwirl could do was widen her eyes before all her senses left her. . . .

* * *

The last of the remaining four abbeybeasts, Deyna Taggerung, was stretched out on the ground near the abbey pond, having a peaceful sleep after a good swim.

Mariella Songsweet Moonscent Butterfly Oceanbeauty Autumngold the otter-sue practically floated over to him, her dainty footpaws not even bending the most fragile of grass-blades. She kneeled down to next to him with the grace of thousand swans and gently ran her delicate paw across his brow.

Even though he was asleep, his warrior instinct told Deyna that something was amiss. The former Taggerung snapped his eyes open, but alas, just like the other three beasts, in an instant Mariella's beauty was taken in by his eyes, her lips were jammed against his, his eyes widened and then rolled back into his head as he too lost all control of himself. . . .

* * *

Mariella smiled contentedly as she looked over the new and "improved" Redwall Abbey, or _Pink_wall Abbey, as she had so_ "improvingly"_ renamed it.

There were no more of those dratted moles with their filthiness and horrid accents. No more of those icky, stupid hedgehogs with those icky, stupid spikes. No more treacherous voles, no more hideous shrews, no more of the ugly, annoying species that had plagued Mossflower long enough!

Now there was just otters, mice and squirrels! How lovely was that? Of course, there were still only eight creatures at Redwall: Mariella and her three fellow Sues, along with the four abbeydwellers they had "saved." But that was enough for now.

And not only that, but thanks to Mariella's fantastic Sue-powers, the abbey stayed clean on its own so that nobeast would ever have to pick up a broom or washcloth again; the orchard and gardens took care of themselves so that nobeast would ever have to tend to them; and the abbey bells tolled by themselves at certain times of the day so that nobeast would ever have to bother themselves ringing it.

Now nobeast had to do any more icky work. They could just laze about under the warm, shining golden sun, wrapped in the loving arms of their soul-mate, complementing each other and comforting one another about their horrendous pasts.

Mariella looked about at the three other pairs and smiled with satisfaction:

Mhera and her stu-husband were snugging and tickling one another, Mhera looking like she was confessing all her insecurities and lost dreams;

Nimbalo and his sue-wife were hugging each other intensely, Nimbalo looking like he was being comforted over his abusive father;

Fwirl and her new husband wrapping each other up in their long, huge, fluffy tails, Fwirl looking like she was talking about her horrid, lonely past and how her parents were brutally murdered in front of her as a child.

As for Mariella and Deyna, she was giving him a belly-rub as he crooned softly to her, whispering that she was his purpose in his cold, hard, loveless life. Mariella's smile went even wider as she glanced at the four abbeybeasts she had "saved." Not only were they happy in the arms of their new spouses, but they themselves had been treated to a lovely make-over:

Mhera was a million times prettier than she had been, with sleek smooth glossy fur the color of chocolate with rich chestnut highlights, and her eyes were a deep dark color, like two pools of mysterious black water. Gone was her ugly abbess-habit, and in its place was a long, floaty, lily-white gown that flattered every part of her perfect body.

Nimbalo was taller, broader, and handsomer than ever, his fur out-and-out gold rather than his previous (and boring) golden-brown, his eyes big and bright and sky-blue with streaks of sea-blue. His yellow tunic was now a golden kilt trimmed in ebony black, held up by a dark, ruby-studded belt.

Fwirl was the least changed of the abbeybeasts, but she was still more beautiful than she had been, and was even more perfect-looking than usual, and she glowed with a radiant fire in her fur.

As for Deyna, he too was taller and broader, his muscles much larger than they ever had been, his features the epitome of masculine perfection, his crimson-red kilt made of silk and held up by a pearl-studded black belt.

Mariella sighed and brushed her perfect paw against Deyna's perfect cheek. The former Taggerung looked up at her with such longing in his beautiful dusky eyes and whispered, "I love you."

"I know," Mariella replied with a sweet smile, and with that, she placed her lips against his, thus deepening the Sue-spell she had cast over him. As long as the Sues kept on kissing their spouses (aka _prisoners_), they would never again come back to normality.

Releasing Deyna's lips from her own, Mariella leaned her head against his chest and sighed contentedly. Everything was so . . . _perfect. . . ._

No, not perfect.

Something was missing.

Mariella lifted her head slightly and looked about the abbey. Everything certainly looked and felt wonderful, as well as beautiful and perfect, it seemed like there was one more ingredient that her Sue-spell needed. . . .

Suddenly the otter-sue smiled. Of course! Why didn't she think of it sooner?

* * *

Ruggan Bor sat within his tent on the south coast. It had been more than two seasons since he had attempted to take over Redwall Abbey, only to be completely subdued by the Badger Lord Russano the Wise.

Of course, Ruggan had been extremely wise in not challenging the badger, and many of his horde had agreed that it was all that they could do: they had been severely outnumbered and surrounded, and a lot of the hordebeasts were actually relieved they hadn't fought, being so glad to be alive.

But there were still those hordebeasts who grew cocky with Ruggan's defeat. They seemed to think that just because he backed down that one time, he do it again, and that they would make much better horde-leaders.

The golden fox blew air out his nose harshly. He had backed down from fighting a badger, a _badger!_ He would like to see those treacherous vermin face-to-face with one of those creatures, and he knew they would be grovelling and blubbering like newborn babes within seconds.

The leader of the Juskabor stood up and headed for the entrance of his tent, intent on asking one of his captains of the goings on of his horde. True, he could've waited until evening when they regularly reported to him, but the golden fox was feeling restless and decided that the sooner he knew about certain things, the better.

Ruggan Bor lifted his tent flap and saw --

--a vixen.

He had never seen her before, she was not of his horde (which had mysteriously disappeared just as the other creatures at Redwall had), and was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Her fur was golden, like his, soft and lustrous, shining as brightly as the sun. But her eyes were like two large meadows of violets sprinkled with amethysts and diamonds sparkling in the sunlight. Her tall, slender, delicate frame was clothed in a lovely purple tunic trimmed with elegant black that gorgeously complemented her fur- and eye-color in a most spectaculor way.

It hardly need be said, but it only took Ruggan Bor an instant to take in this vixen-beauty's appearance before she had her lips against his with incredible force.

Ruggan's eyes widened, then rolled back into his head. . . .

* * *

Mariella nodded, completely satisified. _That_ had been what was missing. A vermin. A _reformed_ vermin, not to metion a reformed _warlord_ vermin; those were the best kind!

Ruggan Bor and his new wife were now living at Redwall in utter happiness and joy.

Now there were five couples living at Redwall, where they spent their days laying about in the sun and spent their nights feasting and singing away.

Mariella sighed. Everything was perfect . . . and _improved._

* * *

**A/N:** This idea has been in my head for the longest time, and with all the great Sue-parodies being written right now, I just had to get out there.

**Skyfur:** The Sue-vixen is not a parody of Rosebay Willowherb, I am not making fun of you, okay? Okay.

Anyway, happy writings! God bless!

- Kelaiah -


	2. The Observer

A male ferret stood outside Redwall - er, _Pink_wall Abbey.

And if the reader already guessed that this ferret's name was Kelaiah, then the reader is extremely intelligent.

In his paw he held his trusty lazer, which was at this moment scanning the Sue-ish-ness of the area. Its results were rather interesting:

_Out_side the abbey, everything was nice and normal, not one trace of Sparklypoo.

_In_side the abbey, the lazer's screen almost cracked.

"Hmmm," mused the ferret, looking back up at the bubble-gum-pink-and-gold princess-towers of the abbey. He hadn't been sent inside Redwall (or Pinkwall - whatever) to fight the sues; they were a new breed of Sue that had never been seen or heard of before.

Unable to get a proper reading on the abbey's condition from the Sue-slayer base, the Sue-slayer elders decided to send somebeast in to personally observe it, and Kel had volunteered, mainly to get away from his partner Arawolf Beechclaw, who was at this moment in a particularly nasty mood lately for reasons unknown (but things were mostly unknown with Ara).

From what the ferret had gathered, there was only _one_Sue in there, and that was Mariella Songsweet Moonscent Butterfly Oceanbeauty Autumngold the Warriormaid, the Swordmaid, the Chosen of Destiny, the Harp of Love, the Melody of Music, the Avatar of Beauty, and the Sunset of Hope.

At first Kelaiah had been a little nonplussed by this, because he could see that there were four other sues in there, until he figured it out. The other sues and stus that were in there weren't real actual sues. They were only sues in a round-about way, but were mostly only some sort of . . . _accessory _(for lack of a better term) for Mariella and her intended story-line.

Kel also gathered that if anybeast went inside the abbey right now, they would either disappear into thin air like all the poor abbeybeasts, or would be set upon by another kissing-sue and be turned sue like Deyna, Mhera, Nimbalo, and Fwirl. And how did he know this?

Earlier Kel had tried tossing things over the walls or through the doorway. He tried sending the Greek Fyre of his lazer in by standing outside an open wallgate, but the fire disappeared as soon as it went over the threshold. He tried tossing mud and twigs in, he even tried releasing a swarm of wasps and hornets and mosquitoes in (making absolute certain that they all went inside the abbey and not at him). But the mud and twigs just disappeared, and the wasps and hornets and mosquitoes, they just turned into butterflies. It was all rather frightening.

Kel didn't dare go inside the abbey. He would either disappear, or worse, a ferret-Kissing-Sue would come out and. . . .

The male ferret could barely suppress a shudder.

Kel looked inside the abbey at the four canon characters, feeling very sorry for them. He couldn't just leave them like that! Plus, one of the Sue-slayers had threatened him to keep Mariella's paws to herself. Heck, practically _all_ of the Sue-slayers had flown into a rage when they had gotten the report of what the Kissing-Sues had done.

Well, in any event, Kel had to solve this problem, and he'd better do it quickly before anything . . . _worse_ happened.

Kel shuddered yet again.


	3. The Victims

Abbess Mhera couldn't be in more pain.

But it wasn't physical pain, it was psychological pain, which can sometimes be even worse.

On the outside, she was ethereally beautiful and calm and contented and happy and joyful and... well, the list goes on.

But on the _in_side, she was furious, angry, and helpless.

Mhera had no control of her body, of her gestures, expressions, her movements, everything that Mhera appeared to say and do were not her own.

She didn't like her new "husband". She didn't like him at all. He had been forced on her, and now she heard herself tell him how happy she was not to be an abbess anymore because it had been ruining all of her hopes and dreams of becoming free and alive.

Mhera would've loved to have spit in the otter-stu's eye, but alas, there was no way she could do it. It was like a whole another layer of skin and fur had been put over her, and every time the male otter kissed her, that layer became thicker...

* * *

The same could be said for the other four canon characters.

Nimbalo was furious at how wimpy he suddenly was, despite his newfound broadness. He cried repeatedly on the mouse-sue's shoulders about his "horrific past" and about his "abusive father" and how this mousemaid was a new hope to him. Nimbalo wanted nothing more than to chop this mouse-sue's head off with his axe, but he couldn't.

Fwirl was furious and insulted as well. She hated how her true husband had been replaced with this... this... _this!_ She hated how she kept on crying and telling him about how hard and cruel her upbringing had been, and how glad she was that he was in her life. It was horrible!

Ruggan Bor was probably the most insulted because he too cried - and he was a WARLORD! He told his sue how he always longed for companionship and a friend, something that churned the golden fox's stomach.

Deyna's treatment was no different: weeping, angsting, horrific abusive past, excessive kissing... he would've liked nothing more than to break Mariella's perfectly slender neck!

* * *

But alas, there was nothing the canon characters could do. They could only go on, watching themselves in horrified dismay kiss the sues and angst their hearts out.

_Martin help us. . . ._ they all thought.


	4. The Punishment: Part 1

Kelaiah had an idea.

And he couldn't stop himself from giggling evilly.

"Heeheehee!"

* * *

Mhera and her stu-husband were inside the abbey now, Mhera stretched out on a Persian couch, her eyes closed, ready for more kisses. The otter-stu paused, staring down at her, and found himself marveling at her beauty. He would forever be in shock of how beautiful she was, and he wanted to enjoy every second he shared with her. . . .

Suddenly something was pulling him back. The otter-stu couldn't stop himself, something was sucking him backwards, away from his beautiful wife.

_What the. . . ?_

The Stu looked behind him, and saw a large, ominous dark plothole behind him. And inside that plothole stood a tall, skinny ferret wearing rectangular spectacles. The ferret was holding some kind of a hose that was suck the Stu backwards into the plothole.

_Ack! No!_

The Stu tried to fight, flailing his arms around for something to grab onto, his footpaws grinding into the floor, his teeth grinding, his muscles straining, but nothing he did prevented himself from being sucked back.

"Mheeera-!" The otter-stu tried to call out to his wife for help, but the second he spoke her name, the suction from the hose became much more powerful, and in the next instant, the Stu went flying backwards into the plothole, and landed somewhere unpleasant.

Kelaiah sputtered and pinched his nose and quickly closed up the plothole and transported himself out of there.

_Ah, I almost feel sorry for the guy,_ the ferret thought to himself.

The "punishment" he had chosen to extract on the Stu was something he had gotten out of a certain movie called "Arabian Nights", where Aladdin did a similar trick with a spoiled prince who was married to the princess. If anyone had ever seen the movie, they probably would've guessed what happened to the otter, and would probably share Kel's "almost-sympathy" for him.

* * *

**A/N:** Pardon the shortness, but at least I'm back in writing!


	5. The Punishment: Part 2

Nimbalo and his wife of a Sue (or Sue of a wife, whichever you prefer) were sitting alone in the orchard, feeding each other peaches, pears, and plums, both giggling and occasionally kissing. It was a disgustingly saccharine sight, and it would've churned anybeast's stomach at the soppy display of affection the two mice were showing each other.

Finally, after awhile, Nimbalo gave a contented sigh and laid his head down in his wife's lap, closing his sapphire eyes. The mouse-sue stared down at him lovingly, and then began to lean forward to give him a kiss.

But before she could accomplished the desired action, a large, dark, ominous plot-hole appeared, not behind her, but above her. Kelaiah looked down at her and brought out his hose.

The Sue at first didn't notice, but she began to become aware of that the fact that it was now harder to get close to Nimbalo's lips.

_What?_

The Sue began to look upwards, which was when Kel put the hose's suction power to full-blast. The mouse-sue had no chance, she didn't even have a good enough grip on Nimbalo at the time, and so went shooting upwards to the heavens into a black hole, where she met a giant mound of marshmallow sauce.

Within seconds the mouse-sue no longer resembled her old self, but rather a great big ball of sticky white stuff with eyes.

Sputtering, Kelaiah closed up the plot-hole and transported himself out of there. He had gotten _that_ idea from an old cartoon he used to watch as a child, a cartoon by the name of "Chip n' Dale, Rescue Rangers".


	6. The Punishment: Part 3

Fwirl and her stu-husband sat not very far away from the orchard, but they did not hear nor see anything strange happen, for they were far too wrapped up in kissing each other as they sat under the shade of a beautiful willow tree.

Fwirl was the first one to break away as she leaned her head against the squirrel-stu's massive chest, heaving a little sigh of contentment. The Stu wrapped his arms around her tightly, kissing the top of her head gently.

Just then a third plot-hold appeared, just in front of the Stu in the ground. Had anybeast looked in, they would've seen Kel standing in there, holding up his lazer, from which spouted the tiniest flame of Greek Fyre.

Suddenly Fwirl pulled away from the Stu, saying softly, "I suppose we had better go inside, shouldn't we?"

"Yes, we should," the Stu whispered, but in the space of an instant, where Fwirl and the Stu had no physical contact between them, the plothole suddenly expanded to engulf the Stu, where he fell onto a bonfire of Greek Fyre.

Kel instantly clicked a button on his lazer, which tied the Stu to a stake in the middle of the bonfire, closed up the plot-hole, and transported himself to another place, giggling evilly.

"Heeheehee!"


	7. The Punishment: Part 4

Ruggan Bor and his sue-wife sitting amongst a very thick garden of blood-red roses that mightily complicated their golden fur. There were also several other flowers there too, flowers of all kinds, all of which the sue-vixen was using to make a flower-wreath. Ruggan Bor was actually holding one end of the wreath for her. On the outside the golden male fox looked happy and content, but on the inside he was rightfully squirming with embarrassment, hoping that nobeast would e_ver_ find out about this!

Ruggan's embarrassment would not last, however, because at that moment, from out of the sky, a large black plot-hole came hurtling downwards from the sky. Kel decided that instead of pulling the Sues in this time, he'd bring the plot-hole to _them._

The plot-hole fell slap-bang right on the sue-vixen, who suddenly found herself writhing around in a tub of green slime (Kel couldn't think of any else that wouldn't be too overly cruel, and besides, who _likes_ being dunked in green slime? Nobody does, neither Sue nor normal beast!).

Like the other times, Kel closed up the plot-hole, and transported himself out of there, a feeling of deep satisifaction rising in his chest.


	8. The Punishment: Part 5

Four down. One to go.

That was all Kel needed to get rid of now, just that one main Sue and his mission would be complete.

But what kind of punishment would he place on the Sue? Kel was a bit worried about that, simply because with the last Sue he had been uninspired as to what _her_ punishment would be. What if he couldn't think of something that the Sue was deserving of? There had to be _something. . . ._

And suddenly, in a stroke of inspiration, there was.

Kelaiah giggled more evilly than he ever had with the other Sues.

"Heeheehee!"

* * *

Mariella Songsweet Moonscent Butterfly Oceanbeauty Autumngold the Warriormaid, the Swordmaid, the Chosen of Destiny, the Harp of Love, the Melody of Music, the Avatar of Beauty, and the Sunset of Hope knew none of the goings on in her abbey.

She didn't know that all of the new spouses she personally created for Mhera, Nimbalo, Fwirl, and Ruggan had all disappeared, leaving the four Canon creatures to stand or sit around blankly, wondering what to do while the Sue-spells on them slowly wore off.

The only thing Mariella Songsweet Moonscent Butterfly Oceanbeauty Autumngold the Warriormaid, the Swordmaid, the Chosen of Destiny, the Harp of Love, the Melody of Music, the Avatar of Beauty, and the Sunset of Hope was concerned with at the moment was Deyna, _her _Deyna.

Mariella smiled beautifully at her Deyna, and he smiled just as beautifully back - well, alright, not _as_ beautifully as her, but it was close. Oh, he was just so strong and handsome, and she, _she,_ was the one who held his heart, the only one who could tame him and beat him at every sport, the only one who could save him from his horrid, dreadful, cold, loveless life!

"I love you," Deyna whispered, and Mariella could see how much he needed her, and she began to oblige him his true desire: a kiss from her own rosepetal lips.

Slowly, Mariella leaned forward, her lips puckered and just as needful of Deyna as he was of her, wanting desperately to feel the sensation of his lips against hers.

* * *

Kelaiah was watching this scene (and trying very hard not to throw up), and watching it in a very awkward position. He was inside another "plot-hole-pocket", waiting for the right time to open the plot-hole to bring the Sue in. He was standing on one leg, bent sideways with his lazer pointed in the direction of Mariella and Deyna, while his other arm and leg were holding off a certain creature.

"Wait for it," the ferret muttered, his eyes shifting between the Sue and the creature. "Wait for it. Wait for it. Wait for iiiitttt. . . ."

Finally the opportune time came!

Kelaiah clicked the button on his lazer that opened up the plot-hole and at the same time dove to the side.

* * *

Mariella's lips were less than inches apart from Deyna's, but at that very moment, the plot-hole opened up right in between the two otters, and a large, black, slimy orc came hurtling out of it and slammed its own lips against Mariella's puckered ones that the Sue was forced to fly backwards.

Just as the two went backwards, however, another plot-hole opened up and engulfed them.

Both plot-holes closed up, leaving Deyna to sit still and wait for the Sue-spell to wear off.

* * *

The very exact moment Mariella and the orc were inside the plot-hole, Kel pressed a button on his lazer that froze them both, locking them in an eternal kiss.

The orc's eyes were shut tight, but the otter-sue's eyes were wide open, so that she had to gaze into the orc's face for all eternity until kingdom come. Without blinking!

Kelaiah left with his maniacal giggling sounding in the Sue's ears.

"Heeheeheeheeheeee!"


	9. The Conclusion

Kelaiah stood in the middle of the abbey grounds, reading the Sue-O-Meter on his lazer. So far he had gathered that with the Sues gone, the sparklypoo was going away, though it was certainly taking its time. Those Kissing-Sues certainly were powerful!

The five canon characters had stopped sitting blankly where their Sue-spouses had left them and were now gathered together not far from the ferret. They were all gazing rather stupidly at him, though on the inside they were jumping with joy that they were going to return to normal.

Finally Kel turned to them and said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you all this, but you guys aren't going to go back to normal. You'll stay like this for the rest of your lives."

The five canon characters' souls all shouted "WHAT?!"

Then Kel burst out laughing. "No, no, I'm sorry! Hahaha, I was just kidding, you guys are gonna be fine! It'll just take awhile, that's all."

Had the canon characters been in control of their bodies, they would have punched the skinny little ferret.

"But I think we can try to speed this all up," the Sueslayer went on, twisting a dial on his lazer.

The next space of time was like standing in an elevator, or like being put on hold while on the telephone.

Finally Kelaiah put down his lazer and turned to the other five creatures. They were less sparkly and ethereal, as was their surroundings, plus they all had regained control of themselves, though it was a bit odd after all that time with the Sues.

"I think that was enough speeding up," Kelaiah said. "Okay, now you all just have to wait for all the other creatures to reappear and for everything to return to the way it was."

"How come its taking so long?!" demanded Deyna.

"Yeah, it took less than an instant for all this to happen in the first place!" put in Nimbalo.

"To mildly quote something I read out of a comic that is not allowed on fanfiction," Kelaiah said, "'Ruining something is easy. Fixing it is rather difficult'."

And with that, the ferret disappeared.

Fortunately, within the hour all the other abbeybeasts returned, the abbey became normal, and Deyna, Mhera, Nimbalo, Fwirl, and Ruggan all regained their original appearances.

Ruggan was allowed to leave the abbey in peace, as he had returned to Redwall against his will, and was given a bag of food for his trip back to his horde - which he did not have to look far for, because they reappeared nearby the abbey, all relieved that the ordeal was over and ready to obey any commands their leader threw at them.

"March!" barked Ruggan, and they all turned and returned to the Southern Coast where they belonged.

Deyna, Mhera, Filorn, Nimbalo, Boorab, Fwirl, and Broggle all stood at the battlements, waving them off. It might seem strange that they should do that, but being attacked by Sues is not so different from being attacked by a troll.

**Harry/Ron/Hermione:** Got that right! Being attacked by a troll, that is. . . . yeah, well, we'll just be off now!

**Kel: **Bye you guys! Anyway, thank you all for reading and reviewing this fic, even though it wasn't very funny, but at least I'm back at writing! Don't know how long it'll take me to get more writings up, but chances are I'll be back!

Have a nice day! God bless!

Kel :)


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